Well, this is a couple of days late. My birthday was last Sunday, which coincided with Easter. So wine (ok, I had a free-for-all and had 3 glasses of delicious wine, yo), birthday cake, salty delicious ham, cheesy potatoes, baked goods at church. GULP. It was a rough day. But the wine was fracking glorious.
This week, the GOOD:
- Even after all that, I was still down 1.6 pounds on Monday, at 205.6 pounds. God, that’s still a lot. I’m feeling a lot of self-hatred these days. (Total loss of 17.4 pounds in 6 weeks, and 124.4 pounds from pre-surgery).
- I had the stomach flu most of last week, and it was awful. I didn’t get to the gym much, but I tried my best. Frankly, I was shocked I got there at all. I was just totally dehydrated and exhausted.
This week, the BAD:
- I got off track. I lost focus. I lost confidence. I lost self-love.
- I STILL don’t have my bike fixed.
- It is getting harder and harder to get to the gym with baby up in the wee hours. She wakes when I wake, and then I can’t go.
- I’m feeling frustrated.
This week, the UGLY:
- I’m struggling this week too. I haven’t been able to get to the gym, not even once. Sick kids, awake baby, etc.
- The peanut butter cups are fracking killing me. So is the salty ham. I’m still only eating 1000 calories a day, but it’s salty and sweet calories.
It’s time to reevaluate things, assessing what I can and cannot do successfully.
- I CAN control what I eat. Calories in. This I can do. This I will do.
- I may decide to cancel my gym membership. I love the gym, and gym time was as much about mental and emotional fitness as it was about physical fitness for me. But I just don’t think this is the time. I guess it was unrealistic for me to want to indulge in self-care at this time in my life, when my kids are still so young. I just cannot get out of the house without my kids, and that’s the reality of it. The baby gets up when I get up, so mornings are out. My husband doesn’t get home until very late, and I need to take care of my kids in the evening: feed them, bathe them, get them to bed, nurse the baby. So nights aren’t feasible either. It’s abundantly clear to me that alone-time isn’t in the cards for me right now, nor is it in my foreseeable future.
- I’ll keep my eye out for an inexpensive jogging stroller, and maybe save up my allowance for a few months to pay someone to fix my bike and trailer. But the truth is that I needed that kid-free hour at the gym for my emotional well-being. And it’s just not possible right now. It’s time I stop setting myself up for failure, wishing things were different, and begin to accept things as they are. It will be fine. Honestly.
- I’m ditching the alphabetical blogging thing. It’s not how my writing or my brain works. Fuhgeddaboudit.
I’m watching this documentary (right this minute, actually, as the baby snoozes on me) called “Facing the Fat.” It’s about this obese guy who does a 55-day water fast.
Have any of you ever water-fasted (albeit not for 8 weeks)? Was it a cleansing experience?
Anyway, that’s the health update. Some setbacks, some realizations, some challenges.
I’m struggling this week, I admit. I have a lot of self-pity and self-hatred going on right now. It will pass. I’ll re-emerge with a plan. I always do. But in the meantime, I’m deep in the dark and twisty. *heavy sigh*